


i'm good at being lonely (can't you tell?)

by killerrqueer



Series: riverdale [1]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Whump, and cheryl actually shows emotional damage, because the cowards that write shitverdale wont give me hurt/comfort choni, choni, follows canon except cheryl is sent to conversion therapy earlier, ptsd!cheryl, so damn it i guess ill do it myself, somewhat AU, therefore she never meets toni at the drag race, toni is very soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-09-23 04:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerrqueer/pseuds/killerrqueer
Summary: cheryl's used to being lonely. when she returns from sisters of quiet mercy after two years of hell, she finds her life in shambles and all her friends gone, but what else did she expect? well, one thing was unexpected- a tiny gang member that cheryl didn't even like at first.





	1. one: you used to be broadway, now you're just a side street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something's a little different about cheryl.
> 
> (chapter title from: r u ok? by skizzy mars and prelow)

Once upon a time, Cheryl Blossom got bored and wore bright red lipstick to school. It was the first time she’d ever tried such a bold look, but she owned it easily, striding down the hall confidently with her matching cherry-red backpack in tow. People stared, but she was admittedly used to it. Being the richest, hottest, coolest girl in school and the HBIC of the River Vixens tended to mean people watched her every move.

At lunch that day, her boyfriend (the captain of the football team and the most popular guy in school, obvi) told her he didn’t like it when girls wore lipstick. She promptly dumped him, right then and there, and he dropped out and moved away a few weeks later, unable to take the harassment of Cheryl’s lackies. She wore red, and only red, lipstick every day after that. 

Until today.

It was her first day back at school, and she sat alone. Her face was bare, and her normally extremely form-fitting clothes hung limply from her frame. She had tried to put on her makeup this morning, she knew she should, but when she looked at her tube of Christian Louboutin, all she could think of was the way it smeared on the rim of that drink, and on the harsh, rough lips of one Nick St. Clair- she shuddered, clasping her hands tightly in her lap until her knuckles blazed white. _One milk carton. Two chairs. Three lunch ladies. Four tables. Five kids staring_ , she counted in her head, trying to ground herself. Most likely more kids than just five were staring, though. There were always people staring at her, but now their gazes felt like they were shrinking her instead of making her feel tall. She hadn’t expected lunch to be the worst form of hell, but here she was. Even Betty and Veronica didn’t seem to care to visit her, minimized to the occasional wary glance from the popular table.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Cheryl explained slowly to her therapist. But of course the imbecile wouldn’t even listen to her, she just gave her a soft, pitying glance, tilting her head slightly. Cheryl ground her teeth, looking down at the dusty shag carpet and chipped wooden coffee table, home to a stack of spam magazines. Disgraceful, her mother would never allow her in a place so drab- Cheryl squeezed her eyes shut, trying to banish the sudden vision of her horrid mother from her brain. Her left cheek tingled with cold pain like it had been slapped.

She could feel the comforting hand of the therapist on her shoulder. “Cheryl, you’re having another flashback. Breathe. Ground.”

She flinched at the contact and threw Dr. Randall’s hand off frustratedly. “I’m fine!” she shrieked. She sank back into the couch, suddenly feeling very small. “I’m fine. I just… need to catch my breath.” She rubbed her cheek angrily and willed the cackling image of her mother to just go away, for God’s sakes.

“Of course.” After Cheryl breathed slowly in and out and counted windows for a few minutes- there were 7, she already knew, she had counted them millions of times before- Dr. Randall leaned forward in her seat. “How was your first day back to school?” 

Cheryl thought briefly of Betty whispering to Veronica behind her hand, the pitying glances. “It was alright.”

Dr. Randall seemed unconvinced. She scribbled something on her clipboard. “I see. And how are you faring without Thorn?”

Thorn was the name they had given to Cheryl’s hideous mother. Thinking of her was one of Cheryl’s triggers, so by calling her something different, she could think of her as a separate person from the woman who had abused her all those years and avoid having flashbacks or panic attacks. Mostly.

“It’s different. Quieter.” Cheryl smiled as she thought about how she had forced that evil woman to finally emancipate her and move out. It was truly her finest moment. “The house seems bigger. I’m kind of lonely,” she confessed.

“That’s normal for kids living without their guardians for the first time. Have you maybe thought of inviting a friend to live with you?” Dr. Randall suggested.

Friend? What friend? Cheryl laughed inwardly. Apparently Betty and Veronica weren’t talking to her, and if that was true, it meant Archie probably wasn’t either, and of course Jughead was still over at that drug-infested Roach Motel of a high school. Josie hadn’t looked once at her since the whole ‘stalker’ incident (she still didn’t believe Cheryl when she said it was a trick played by her mother). Other than them, she didn’t have any friends to speak of, really. She had followers, not friends. For the first time in her life, she wished she was a little nicer to people at school. 

Just one friend would make this all a little better.

She laughed awkwardly. “Can I go now?”


	2. two: you left me with a pretty cool scar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lockdown of southside high means that toni and her serpent pals have to move to riverdale high, the prep school on the right side of the tracks.
> 
> (chapter title from: maple syrup by the backseat lovers)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry almost-christmas! have an update. thanks for all the love. <3

As Toni grew up, she knew she’d probably be arrested more than once in her life. Hell, she was part of _gang_ , so it sort of came with the territory. Actually, she’d already been arrested twice, once for shoplifting, once for drug running (but it was a light sentence since they had no proof of actual jangle on her person). But being slammed into the wall and cuffed at her own school was definitely a new one for her.

Dizzy from the blow, the cold concrete pressing against her cheek, the officer ratcheted the handcuffs much too tight and laughed at her grunt of pain. “What are you doing this for?” Toni cried out, turning her face to the other side in an effort to see what was going on. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her best friends Fangs and Sweet Pea tackled in similar fashion, as they yelled and struggled against their bonds. Jughead peered through the window of the door at the end of the hallway, and Toni mouthed _run!_ He stared regretfully at her for a few moments before turning and bolting.

“This school is a drug den. Y’all are being shut down and sent to Riverdale High,” The officer explained from behind Toni, yanking her forward. “It’s too dangerous to keep y’all here together. Mayor McCoy’s orders- and Hiram Lodge’s orders.”

Toni muttered a few choice words under her breath. Those no-good, double-crossing, lying, thieving... _Northsiders_. She let herself be led down the hallway, making eye contact with Sweet Pea as she passed. He narrowed his eyebrows slightly. _What’s going on?_

Toni’s lip curled as she mouthed the name. _Lodge_. Sweets’s gaze darkened. The officer yanked her away from her friend and shoved his hands into her pockets. “Sorry, miss, gotta check you before I set you loose.” She stood still grudgingly as he patted her down, removing and checking each item he pulled from her clothes- her phone (woefully outdated), her wallet (empty), the keys to her bike, and a written conversation between her and Fangs about Jughead (nothing bad, just observations). He gave her back her stuff after examining it thoroughly and unlocked the cuffs. “You seem like a good kid, and you’re clean, so I’m letting you go. Report to Riverdale High first thing tomorrow, if you come here you’ll be frisked again. Now get!” Toni didn’t have to be told twice- she turned and blasted through the double doors to the sounds of kids being slammed into lockers behind her. Nobody seemed to notice the small pink-haired girl ducking through frantic crowds in the parking lot, and Toni liked it that way..

She gunned the engine on her bike and started on her way back to the trailer. Her thoughts began to wander. What was going to happen to her at NoDale? At least she had her crew, but she didn’t want to be actively shunned by everyone else for the rest of her high school career. She was generally well-liked back at SoDale High, but that probably wouldn’t carry over into this new school full of those well-to-do, preppy, bright-eyed kids, who had never had to work two jobs in their life and probably had a great future of not-poverty ahead of them. They probably wouldn’t even care enough to spit on her.

She rolled up to home sweet home, parking in her normal spot, and jiggled the doorknob of the trailer. Locked up tight, as usual. She unhooked a safety pin from her shirt and a bobby pin from her headband and jockeyed the lock, sighing with relief when the door creaked open. She closed the door and collapsed on the couch quietly, careful not to wake her uncle from his whiskey-soaked stupor. Her phone showed one new text from Jughead: _What happened? Are you, Sweet Pea, and Fangs alright?_

Typical Jug, typing texts in full-ass sentences. One of the perks of having a dad who fell into the not-quite-as-poor-as-the-rest-of-us category: a smartphone. She quickly typed back: _some sort of raid by lodge. im @ home ok. sp + f unknown. guess we’re students @ nodale high now or again in ur case._

She opened the fridge, pulling out the last TV dinner (raviolis) and checking the grocery jar. Nearly empty. She pulled the dry-erase marker from the side of the fridge and scribbled _groceries + overtime_ on the front as a reminder to herself to pick up some extra shifts at the Wyrm. She popped a few holes in the film of the dinner with a plastic fork and put it in the microwave. Her phone chimed- one new text from Jughead: _I’ll go bail them out of lock-in. Are we really going back to NoDale?_

 _when they get out ill kick their asses for carrying that jangle, n yup, we’re supposed to report to the front tmrw morning._ Toni typed back. The microwave beeped and she rescued her dinner. 

Jughead: _It wasn’t jangle. Fangs fought back too hard and bopped an officer in the nose by accident, and Sweet Pea tried to help him out._ A second text: _NoDale will be a less than happy reunion for me._

Right, his girlfriend. Awkward. _just b cool, dude, she prob only broke up w you bc you were at a diff school. long distance sux. i’m sure she’ll want ur fine greasy ass soon as ur back in that den of the bourgeois._

 _I am NOT greasy!_ Toni laughed to herself at his response and took a heaping bite of ravioli.

_keep tellin urself that, juggy._

Toni shoved the last bit of her dinner in her mouth, scraping the sides for any extra sauce. An icon popped up, showing he was typing. _NoDale might actually be better now since I left. I hear Cheryl’s turned it down several notches._

Toni frowned. She’d actually enjoyed hearing tales of the almost-mythical HBIC’s crusades. _weird. guess we’ll find out why soon._

 _I hope so. It’s out of character for her._ A moment afterwards, another text came through. _Just got the boys, they’re none the worse for wear. A bit shaken up, though. Oh, and Sweet Pea might have to sleep on your couch. His mom’s on a job again and he’s been having nightmares._

 _cool. c u at the violence,_ Toni responded.

 _Ditto._ Toni flipped her phone closed and and sighed, pressing it to her forehead. She was tired, she was out of food, her wrists hurt from the chafing of the handcuffs, and she was definitely not looking forward to tomorrow. At least she could kick Sweets’s virtual ass in Halo as revenge for getting himself locked up again.


	3. three: i am a stranger here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toni experiences some northside hospitality.
> 
> (chapter title from: i am a stranger by the welcome wagon)

Toni woke up curled next to Sweet Pea on the couch. She realized what time it was and gave his shoulder a shove. “Come on, sleepyhead, it’s our first day as Northsiders!” 

He groaned and pulled a pillow over his head. “Gross.”

“I don’t like it anymore than you do, but I wanna get out of here before my uncle rises from his grave.” That woke Sweet Pea up right away; him and the rest of the gang knew all about her uncle and the origin of the scars on her shoulders and thighs. Several of them had offered to let her stay with them, but a part of her still loved her uncle and she knew he’d either die of alcohol poisoning or starvation without her extra income, so she stayed around, did a lot of couch-surfing on his worst nights, paid the bills, and tried not to piss him off.

She tossed Sweets an old pair of her uncle’s jeans, then snuck into the bathroom and took a quick shower. She threw on a shirt, some shorts, and tied a flannel around her waist. She snagged her backpack from under the counter, her Serpent jacket from the barstool’s back, and pilfered some bills from the grocery jar for her lunch. (She guessed the food at NoDale High was much better than the food poisoning-riddled slop they sold in the SoDale caf.) 

“You need a ride, Sweets?” she called over her shoulder as they exited the trailer. He pointed at the standard issue Serpent motorbike parked next to hers, a bit more fancy since she’d bought it herself. They both put on their helmets and kicked off.

Riverdale High, informally known as NoDale or NoDale High, was fancy as  _ shit _ . It looked like one of those big old colleges in England from, like, the 1700s. Toni and Sweets parked their motorcycles side by side in one normal parking spot. There were several Serpents already there, massing at the foot of the steps, and some of them were taking up one whole parking spot with their bikes. Kind of a dick move, but Toni supposed the Northies deserved a little bit of petty snark. Fangs rolled up, followed by Jughead. They parked their bikes in the spot next to hers and Sweet Pea’s, and Jughead hopped off, adjusting his beanie and tucking his helmet under his arm.

“Welcome home, Jug,” needled Sweet Pea, punching him in the side. Fangs hooted.

Jughead rolled his eyes. “This isn’t my home anymore.” He turned to her and held out his arm playfully. “Shall we?”

Toni batted it away. “I can be my own prince, dumbbell.” 

They walked inside, up the steps, trying to keep their gawking to a minimum. The other kids followed them, about 16 Serpents altogether (the others either didn’t come or were relocated somewhere else). In the front lobby was a table stacked with papers, manned (womanned?) by a beautiful raven-haired girl. She was trailed by a built red-headed boy, and they were speaking in low, frantic voices. Jughead seemed happy enough to see them, so Toni assumed they were Veronica and Archie. They seemed overly cheerful, but she could see their darting gazes. They were terrified of the Serpents.

“It’s the Welcome Wagon,” Toni joked.

“Welcome Wagon indeed. Hello, friends, I’m your resident hostess.” She gave a small, wary half-smile. “On behalf of the students and faculty here at Riverdale High, welcome to your new school.” She gestured to the spread before her on the table. “To ease this transition, I’ve set up a registration desk where you can get your locker assignments, class schedules, and a list of sports and extracurriculars.” Toni nodded along in surprise- maybe this wouldn’t be too bad. This Veronica chick seemed okay, and Toni knew she definitely had a better chance of getting into college if she went here. A Riverdale High  _ A _ was bound to be worth more than a Southside High  _ A _ . 

Everything passed with few minor incidents. Jughead kept glancing around worriedly. “This is about the time that Cheryl would crash the party. She hates the Southside and would never want  _ her _ school-” he made air quotes- “‘overcrowded with underachievers’. It doesn’t feel like Riverdale High without her lording it over some terrified underclassman in the hall,” he muttered in Toni’s ear.

She shrugged. “Maybe this head bitch of yours has turned over a new leaf?”

“Antoinette Topaz?” called Veronica. Toni winced at her name and pushed through the crowd to accept her schedule.

“Please call me Toni. I hate that name,” she said.

“Why?  _ Tres belle _ ! But Toni suits you.” Veronica gave her a sparkling smile. “I’m Veronica. Do you have somewhere to sit at lunch? Because we have an empty seat with your name on it.”

“Thanks for the offer, Veronica, but I’ll probably just sit with my crew.” Toni took her papers from Veronica’s outstretched hands.

She nodded, looking genuinely disappointed. “Oh, well. I get it. If you change your mind, though?”

“Of course.” Toni grinned back, and, surprisingly, it wasn’t at all sarcastic. 

She stepped to the side to make room and looked at her class schedule. First block: AP Language, second block: Math 11, third block: elective (hers had carried over from SoDale: Photography and Digital Design, score!), lunch, fourth block: Physics, fifth block: free period, and Sixth Block: Foreign Language (Spanish, Mandarin, Latin, or French). All in all, a pretty solid schedule.

“Sawyer Peabody?” called Veronica, and Toni cringed almost audibly. “Hey, any relation to-”

“He’s called Sweet Pea,” Archie cut in quickly. Toni glanced over at them to see Sweets shoot Archie an appreciative look. “It is Sweet Pea, right?”

“Yeah,” he responded, uncharacteristically bashful. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Well, welcome to Riverdale High, Sweet Pea!” Veronica handed over his papers. “i hope you and your friends are comfortable here.” Sweet Pea nodded, mouthed  _ thank you _ at Archie one more time, and rushed back over to Toni and Jughead. “Fangs Fogarty?”

Fangs shoved his way to the front, and Toni turned to Sweet Pea, who had a glowing blush spread across his face, and lowered her voice. “Pea, Veronica knows about your mom?”

Jughead winced. “That’s my fault. When I went to her to ask her to bust my dad out of jail, I told Betty about it and she may have said something to Veronica.” 

Sweet Pea sighed. “Dude-”

“Well!” Toni interjected, trying to head off any conflict because, honestly, she was way too tired for it this early in the morning. “This has been a blast. I’m going to class now. Who has AP Lang for first period?” A chorus of “not me”s and shaking heads from the surrounding Serpents, and her heart sank. “Okay, fun.”

It was already shaping up to be a great morning. (Sarcasm, obviously.) The teachers of her first few classes looked at her with apprehension, but when they read her transcripts and saw her decent grades and comments from her old teachers, they seemed to calm down a little bit. AP Lang was quiet, since everyone was working together on a project, except for one willowy, red-headed girl who sat quietly and alone. The other students would occasionally glance over at her, kind of like they were scared she was going to do something, but she just stared at her desk with her Airpods in. Toni’s next classes passed mostly without any problems; she did get hit with a paper airplane in math, but she let herself believe it was an accident. She even got to show off some of her photography in her elective class.

When lunchtime came around, Toni grabbed a tray of brisket, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, a cookie, and a carton of milk. The cafeteria was crazy big compared to when they had at Southside- there was even a soda fountain and a frozen yogurt machine (Toni sneakily put back the cookie and heaped a bowl with the chocolate treat). Fangs had already staked out a good table and was giving menacing glares to any NoDale preps who happened to drift close.

A crowd of Serpents filed over to the table, including Jughead and Sweet Pea fresh from AP Stats. Toni picked up her tray from the fro-yo table and carried it over, perching herself on top of the table and ignoring the dirty yet fearful look she received from the lunch monitor.

“How was everyone’s first day?” Jughead asked.

It was silent for a moment, and then one Serpent offered, “I got in a fight with a Bulldog.”

“What happened to laying low?” snorted Fangs.

“He started it!” the Serpent said, defending himself. He touched a bruise on his cheekbone. “Thank God I didn’t get caught, and I’m sorry for letting him provoke me, but I’m not just going to stand by while pretty boys who’ve never had to feel hunger stand by and call me greaser scum!”

There were a few muttered agreements from around the table.

“We all got lots of dirty looks,” another Serpent piped up. More Serpents nodded.

Toni spoke up. “I mean, I guess it’s gonna be like that.” The assembled kids turned to look at her. “They don’t accept us. Big deal, that’s old news. It’s not like we’ll ever really fit in with them. Let’s just…. prove them wrong, okay? No more fighting-” she pointed at the boy with the bruise as he started to speak up. “-not even if they really, really deserve it. We’re better than that. We can  _ be _ better than that.”

Sweet Pea started clapping and a few of the other kids joined in, nodding appreciatively. He punched her shoulder. “There’s our Serpent Queen!” Toni smiled and slid down to sit on the bench, taking a big bite of brisket as a few Serpents leaned over to slap her on the back. 

In the midst of all the chaos and the chatter of the kids at the table, Toni happened to glance over to the side. Her gaze wandered for a moment before it rested on the redhead she had noticed earlier. She was sitting alone, off to the side, just like she was in their first class, pushing a single piece of broccoli around her plate. Toni’s eyebrows narrowed, intrigued, and, in a split-second decision, she rose from her chair.

“Tiny?” Sweet Pea asked. A few Serpents looked over questioningly. “Where’re you going?”

“I’ll be right back,” responded Toni absently. She picked up her tray, hefted her backpack over her shoulder, and approached the girl. She stopped on the other side of the table, not sure if she should sit down yet. “Hey,” she said softly. 

The girl didn’t look up, and Toni realized she had her Airpods in still. “She can’t hear me,” she muttered to herself. “Of course.” She slid into the bench across from her and tapped her shoulder gently. 

The redhead jumped like she had hit a live wire and whirled around frantically. “Hey! Hey, hey.” Toni waved an arm in front of her. The other girl looked down at the arm and her eyes traced it slowly up to Toni’s face. Her hands on the table, and they were shaking slightly. Toni gestured to her ear, and the girl pulled out her airpod. “Girl, are you okay?” The redhead nodded sheepishly. Now that everything had calmed down, Toni settled into her seat and took another bite of brisket. She glanced up, and the girl was staring at her, nose scrunched. “Not to be rude or anything, but… do you talk?” hedged Toni.

The girl sighed and cleared her throat. “Yes,” she said hoarsely, like she hadn’t spoken in a while.

“Cool! She speaks!” Toni gave her a broad half-smile. “What’re you listening to?” She pointed towards the redhead’s Airpods.

The girl pushed her phone across the table. It was the latest model IPhone, Toni couldn’t help noting. She looked at the screen. “Beaches. Oh, Tokyo Police Club, huh? I’ve heard a few of their songs. You like them?”

The girl nodded.

“Me, too. So what’s your name?” Toni questioned. “I’m Toni, by the way.”

“I’m Cheryl.” She swiped some hair out of her eyes and pressed the play button on her phone.

Cheryl. The name sounded familiar.  _ Cheryl Blossom _ , Toni realized. Riverdale’s mythical head bitch was sitting right there in front of her. It was hard not to feel a little starstruck. Jughead had said she’d tuned it down a couple notches, and Toni could see that. It was the  _ why _ that had her stumped.

Toni waited for her to say something more, but she just looked down at the table. “I’m curious. Do you not like talking?” Toni asked. It was strange because her silence wasn’t a malevolent,  _ shut-up-leave-me-alone  _ type of silence. It was more like she was reluctant to say anything.

“I just don’t feel like it right now,” Cheryl commented. “And, honestly, what’s the point if there’s no one to talk with? Everyone hates me.” Her tone was bitter.

Toni was taken aback. She set down her fork with a clatter. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! I don’t hate you. Look, there’s one in your favor right there.”

Cheryl looked back up at her, dead serious, and there was something dark and certain in her eyes. “Not yet, you don’t.”

Toni didn’t quite know what to say to that. She settled on, “well, yet isn’t now, is it?”

Cheryl hummed, falling silent again. Toni turned to the side to grab something out of her backpack. She didn’t quite remember now- maybe homework or whatever, but Cheryl let out a loud gasp.

Toni whirled around. “What?”

“Your jacket. You’re- you’re a Serpent.” She shook her head, eyes clouding over, and her hands started to shake again. “Sorry, so sorry, I can’t-” she grabbed her phone and backpack and stood up, hitting the table with her leg in her haste. “I can’t- be here. Right now. I can’t be your friend. I’m sorry.” She turned and bolted, leaving her tray of untouched food behind. The chatter went on as a background noise to Toni’s confusion. She stared at the small plate of food, miffed and slightly offended.  _ What is it about me being a Serpent that always gets me in trouble? _ she wondered in exasperation.

Toni sadly ate the rest of her lunch and, before long, the bell rang for the end of the period. Cheryl was still nowhere in sight. She picked up her tray and Cheryl’s and slid them both into the trash. It was time for more classes of evil sideways looks. Maybe she’d even get some more flat-out prejudice like she seemed to have just experienced.


	4. four: nothing comes close to the way that i need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toni left more of a mark on cheryl than she wants to reveal.
> 
> (chapter title from: oceans by seafret)

Cheryl’s backpack thumped uncomfortably against her spine as she fast-walked down the nearly empty hallway, desperately trying to keep it it together. Although, if anyone bothered to look twice at her, they’d see panicked brown eyes, heaving chest, and violently shaking hands.

She darted into the bathroom, but instead of the white tiles, all she could see was that girl Toni’s Serpent jacket. She swelled with anger. How  _ dare _ she? Didn’t she know who she was? Cheryl deflated slightly as she realized: of course she didn’t. She was nobody. Her status was gone, and she couldn’t be picky about who talked to her anymore.

But still… the Serpents. Cheryl wasn’t one to be prejudiced (actually, that was a bold-faced lie, Cheryl had been known to be extremely prejudiced) but the Serpents were a special case. Even though it was her own father who had done the deed, the gang still had a pretty big hand in the death of her dear brother. For that reason, she never interacted with them, ever. 

Cheryl stood up and began to pace. Her heart had stopped pounding so loudly, but her breathing was still coming in heavy gasps as that jacket kept flashing in front of her eyes.  _ What would Dr. Randall say? Ground, ground, ground. One faucet. Two garbage cans. Three paper towel- things- goddammit, what are they called?  _ Cheryl fisted her hands in her hair and slid down the wall, landing in a heap on the floor. She heard the bell sound, and people in the hall chattering, but she kept her head in her arms and nobody bothered her. She didn’t even notice if anyone came in; she could barely think over the rushing in her head and ringing in her ears.

Some time, maybe an hour later, she finally felt stable enough to stand up. It took Cheryl a second to realize that the person in the mirror was her. They were haggard and downcast, with red eyes and stained cheeks, and that face didn’t belong to her. She shook her head and pushed her hand through her hair, trying to sort it out. She still felt a little unstable, so she started counting rivets in the bathroom stall doors.

The thing was, this Toni girl was willing to be nice to her. Not even her so-called friends would do that, but this random stranger did for seemingly no reason. It was because of that that Cheryl couldn’t quite turn her down, and she found that she didn’t mind so much that Toni was a Serpent, when she thought about it. She may have been one of those awful people, but she wasn’t actually, you know,  _ one _ of them. And she did feel bad for being rude (well, that was a first). Just because her life was mud didn’t mean she had to make other people feel like mud about themselves.

So it was settled. Cheryl had come to terms with Toni’s affiliations, so there was really nothing holding her back from friendship, right? Right. She made up her mind right there- she would try not to let Toni's Serpent-dom get in the way of knowing her.


	5. five: i promise i care much more than i show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toni and cheryl try it again.
> 
> (chapter title from: i'm sorry, i'm trying by nothing,nowhere.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, so i'm a fucking idiot! you may have noticed that chapter 5 was actually chapter 6 and there was a chunk missing in exposition. my dumbass went ahead and posted 6 before 5! my brain cell really thought she did sumn. so what i'm gonna do is post 5 now (obviously) and then when i post 6 again, that's when 7 will come out. thanks for bearing with me. :)

Cheryl picked up her backpack and merged from the bathroom to the hallway just as the bell rang. The corridor flooded with students, so Cheryl escaped to the side where it was less crowded and happened to catch a glimpse of pink hair opening up a locker. She squinted so she could block the Serpent jacket from her view and moved to tap her on the shoulder.

Toni whirled and her eyebrows furrowed. “Hey… Cheryl? What’s up?” She didn’t mention what happened earlier, so of course Cheryl took it upon herself to.

“I’m sorry about running out on you.” Cheryl twisted her hands together. “It was rude of me. I just- it was the jacket and-” she shrugged helplessly. “I had to go.”

“It’s okay, I get that a lot.” Toni regarded her dully. “The jacket scares a lot of people away. You don’t owe anything to me.” She turned to leave, but Cheryl quickly grabbed her shoulder, stopping Toni in her tracks. She turned back around and crossed her arms, but softened slightly when she met her gaze.

“I may have run, but I’m back now. It only scared me off for a bit.” Cheryl offered a shy smile and Toni blinked in shock at the gesture. “And… I thought, well, I’m not really in a position to turn down friendship.”

Toni hesitated for a moment. Cheryl clenched her hands into fists behind her back. Then Toni returned her smile and Cheryl relaxed. “I would love to be your friend.” Toni seemed to think for a minute, eyes wandering to a point beyond Cheryl’s face before snapping back to reality. “Hey, wanna come over tonight? I could give you a ride so you don’t have to talk to any scary Serpents.” She wiggled her fingers teasingly.

“I’m talking to one right now, aren’t I?” joked Cheryl.

“Ooh. Low blow.” Toni lightly slugged her shoulder. Cheryl flinched at the contact, but Toni didn’t seem to notice. “Meet me on the steps at 4?” Cheryl managed a small nod. “Awesome. See you then, Blossom.” Toni slammed her locker shut and shouldered her backpack, flashing a grin, and walked towards what Cheryl assumed was her next class.

“Wait, how did you know my last name?” Cheryl yelled after her, but she had already disappeared into the crowd.

 


	6. six: these hands need something solid to hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cheryl and toni take it a little farther.
> 
> (chapter title from: braille by gunning for allie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the promised two chapters in a row.

Toni paced back and forth next to her motorbike. Sweet Pea was already sitting on his, sipping a soda and staring at her oddly. When he didn’t say anything, just continued to observe her, she burst out, “Are you going to tell me why you’re staring at me like the creepiest stalker ever, or do I have to guess?”

Sweets blinked. “Sorry. Just wondering why you’re still here.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No! I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that you’ve never stayed at school for longer than you have to unless you were taking pictures or-” he squinted at her. “-meeting a cute girl.” He slapped her shoulder. “So who the hell is it? Is it that Veronica chick? I knew it, she was totally giving you eyes at the welcome wagon this morning.”

“Bullshit. She’s dating Archie,” Toni scoffed. “What makes you think it’s a girl? Maybe it was…. I dunno, Reggie. Or that Chuck dude. Don’t be biphobic.”

“Thinking you’re full of shit doesn’t make me biphobic. And besides, no guy’s good enough for you. You’ve always been better at picking up girls than Fangs and I have ever been.”

“Sweets, Fangs is gay,” said Toni.

“I know, but it would have sounded pathetic if I just said my name,” admitted Sweets. “Anyways, who’s the lucky lady?” He nudged her in the ribs repeatedly until Toni batted his arm away.

Toni sighed heavily and dramatically. “Well, if you  _ must _ know. It’s Cheryl.”

Sweet Pea nearly spit out his soda. “Cheryl  _ Blossom _ ? HBIC Cheryl? The Red Devil of Riverdale High? Have you even been listening to Jughead’s horror stories?”

“Never took you for a prejudiced man, Sweet Pea.” Toni raised her eyebrows at him, and he lowered his gaze in shame. “And besides, Jughead’s a little bitch.”

“You got a point there.” He crumpled his soda and tossed it towards the trash can. “Buckets.” It clanked against the side and fell to the pavement. He tried to turn away, all cool and disaffected, but a combination of Toni’s patented stinkeye and his own guilt sent him skittering to go throw it away properly.

Toni checked her phone. It was 4:02. As if she had summoned her, the doors to the school were flung open and the HBIC herself walked down the steps. 

“Hey, Cheryl,” Toni greeted her. “Ready to get going?”

“Who’s the Neanderthal?” she asked without prelude, motioning toward Sweets, who was over by the trash can. He stared at her like he wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

“Well, um, that’s your entourage. Every star has to have one,” joked Toni. When Cheryl didn’t laugh, she cleared her throat awkwardly and backtracked. “Cheryl, this is Sweet Pea, my best friend. Sweets, Cheryl. Cheryl, Sweets.”

“And what kind of a name is _ Sweet Pea _ ?” asked Cheryl, seeming more genuinely curious than vindictive.

Sweets narrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth, but Toni cut him off before he could say something rude. “It’s just a nickname. Shall we?” She gestured towards her motorcycle. Cheryl hiked her small red backpack up on her shoulders and walked towards it.

As Toni followed her, Sweets mumbled in Toni’s ear. “Hot and crazy, you sure know how to pick ‘em.” Toni elbowed him hard in the gut, and he stumbled to his own bike, groaning. She smirked self-satisfiedly and swung a leg over her motorcycle.

Toni noticed Cheryl hugging herself, looking with a twisted mouth at the bike. Toni unlooped her own helmet from the handlebars and tossed it to her. She caught it with her fingertips. “Hop on, Red!”

“I-” started Cheryl, then shook her head and slid the helmet on. She hesitantly sat on the back seat of the bike and pressed her hands just above Toni’s hips. Her fingers dug into the leather of Toni’s jacket, and she was shaking.

“Hey.” Toni turned halfway so she could look at Cheryl. Her lips were pressed together in a tight line. “Don’t be scared. I won’t let you get hurt. You’re safe with me.” Cheryl nodded stiffly. “Okay, hold on tight! Sweets, let’s go!” she called, and gunned her engine. The answering rev came from behind her, and she sped onto the main road. Toni nearly swerved as Cheryl’s arms snaked all the way around her waist and she pressed her face into her back, but she managed to keep steady.

They arrived at Sunnyside when the sun had gotten low in the sky and parked their bikes at the entrance. Technically, that was what they were supposed to do, and they never followed the rule, but with Cheryl there, Toni didn’t want to make any trouble that might scare the girl off. A few bad seeds seemed in the mood to make trouble, but when they saw Toni and Sweet Pea’s jackets, they pissed off.

The group of three ducked into Toni’s trailer. Sweet Pea grabbed his stuff and tossed it next to the door, then collapsed on the couch and booted up the Xbox. Cheryl shot Toni a curious glance. “Does he live here too?”

“Part-time. He has to wait until Daddy leaves for the night shift. His old man isn’t the nicest guy. Plus, I’m the only one with an Xbox.” Cheryl nodded mutely. “We’ll get to hang out in a little bit. In the meantime, wanna play?” offered Toni. “We’ve got  _ Halo 1 _ and  _ 2 _ ,  _ Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag _ ,  _ Overwatch _ ,  _ Smash Bros. Brawl _ -”

“It’s fine,” interrupted Cheryl shyly. “I do like watching, though.”

“Cool.” Toni smiled at her. “Take a seat?” Cheryl perched herself on the end of the couch and Toni sat next to her, their shoulders pressing together. Cheryl flinched slightly and pulled away, which hurt a little, but Toni didn’t mind too much.

Sweet Pea tossed her a controller. “Sorry you’re not alone with your girlfriend, Tiny,” he cracked. Cheryl down looked at the ground uncomfortably.

“Oh, piss off, we’re friends,” Toni snapped, punching him hard in the shoulder.

He held up his arms in surrender. “Ouch, okay, I get the hint!”

She pushed him off the couch. “Just for that, I’m playing first. I have a mission I wanna beat on  _ Black Flag _ .” She waved her hand. “Get to it, slave!” As Sweet Pea grumbled and set about opening the game, Toni turned to Cheryl. “I’m sorry about him. He can be a big dummy sometimes.” Cheryl kept staring downwards. She looked slightly nauseous. “Hey, you okay?”

“Just claustrophobic,” she admitted.

Toni stared at her for a second before huffing out an incredulous laugh. “You’re weird, Blossom. You know that?”

“I’m exceedingly aware, thank you.” The corners of her mouth curved upwards slightly.

“Oh! What was that, a smile from the Ice Queen?” Toni joked.

The smile disappeared as quickly as it had arrived and Cheryl sighed, eyes seeming to grow sad. “Play your game, Toni. I’ll be fine.” Toni didn’t want to let it go, but something about Cheryl’s face told her not to press the matter.

Sweet Pea plopped himself down next to them as the loading screen flashed across the TV, and Toni turned to face back forward. “I don’t get why you actually do the missions,” said Sweets. “Everybody knows the point of  _ Black Flag _ is to get to the part when you can loot the big British ships and then never move on.” Toni promptly shoved him off the couch again.

Toni played  _ Black Flag _ with Sweet Pea, and eventually Cheryl, calling instructions in the background. “Cheryl, I can’t kill him,” she said at one point. “He’s a civilian. I’ll get dead for that.” After about a half an hour of Toni continually failing the mission, Cheryl forced Toni to show her which buttons did what, and then she beat the mission in six minutes and nineteen seconds exactly. Sweet Pea leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t wife her up right now, I’ll do it myself,” which earned him another shove. After that, they played  _ Overwatch _ (Sweet Pea as Roadhog and Toni as Mei) until Fangs swung by to pick Sweets up.

By that time, Cheryl was smiling more and even laughed once or twice, which was a musical and surprising sound, and Toni realized two things: one, Sweets kept glancing between her and Cheryl and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, which was annoying to say the least, and two, Toni already had a LOUD crush on this girl, which was also annoying to say the least. After Sweet Pea and Fangs left, Toni moved into the kitchen and busied herself in the fridge to avoid Cheryl’s eyes. “I know you’re probably used to four-course meals and fine wines,” she called. “But can I get you anything? Soda, water, beer?”

“Five courses, and I usually don’t sample wine.” Toni jumped and whirled. Cheryl was leaning on the countertop that divided the living room and the kitchen, lips curved up in that annoyingly sexy half-smile. “A water would be great.”

“With maximum rich-person-ness?” said Toni.

“Of course.”

Toni poured her a glass of water. She grabbed herself a soda and moved to sit on the couch. She was still pretty much processing her crush. She had never fallen so fast, and it scared the shit out of her. She didn’t even know if Cheryl liked girls. Come to think of it, she didn’t really know anything about her. Maybe she was just horny. Cheryl sat down next to her, about a foot away, and the couch creaked so loudly it startled both of them into letting out a laugh. Toni handed her the water, and their hands brushed for a millisecond. Their eyes locked, and Toni immediately thought  _ fuck _ . Cheryl tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear and looked down.

Maybe she wasn’t just horny.

“Thank you, by the way,” said Cheryl.

Toni jerked out of her reverie. “For what?”

“For… for inviting me over. For being my friend. I don’t know.” She shook her head. “As I said, not many people like me. The hobo formerly known as Jughead probably told you everything I’ve ever done, painted in the worst possible light. So thanks.” Cheryl took a sip of her water, looking in the opposite direction.

“For the record?” Toni said, and Cheryl glanced back. “You’re nothing like I thought you would be.”

“Hm. I’ll take that as a compliment.” Her hand dropped from the cup of water, leaving fingerprints in the condensation. Toni’s eyes followed it to her thigh, and decided to take the leap. She slowly moved her hand so it was resting gently over Cheryl’s long fingers. The effect was immediate- and devastating. Her chest began to suddenly heave. She leaped up, nearly tripping over the couch, and her brown eyes were all at once wild and far away. Her water fell from her hand, splashed to the floor, and a dark splotch began to grow on the already stained carpet.

“I’m sorry!” Toni yelped, holding out a hand. She needed to placate her, she couldn’t lose her like this, because of her own stupid mistake-

Cheryl bit her lip and clasped her hands together so her knuckles turned even paler, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. She looked like she was trying not to cry. “I- no. I’m sorry, I have to go.” With that, she snatched her backpack from the armchair and shoes from the floor and ran. The door banged against the wall, bounced back again, and creaked as it waved crazily in the wind.

When Toni scrambled to follow her, there was no trace of Cheryl Blossom. She was already gone.


	7. seven: things are supposed to get better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe cheryl isn't gone for good.
> 
> (chapter title from: empty by olivia o'brien)

Toni collapsed back on the couch and put her face in her hands. She couldn’t believe she had been this stupid. Why would she do that? Whether she was talking about Cheryl running out or Toni possessing the sheer dumbassery to even think Cheryl might be interested in her didn’t matter. Either way, Cheryl had run away and she was gone.

And she was prepared to just sit down and wallow in her insecurities, oh, yes she was- but the thought occurred to her that she had been the one to drive Cheryl there, and now the girl was out there somewhere, alone, in the dark, on foot. In heels. Toni sighed inwardly, knowing that this would be incredibly awkward, but her compassionate, dumber side won out and she pulled on her leathers and her shoes, knowing she’d regret it later and not quite knowing if she cared.

Trudging down the steps of the trailer, she looked side to side. Cheryl was nowhere to be seen, which meant she must have already made it out of the entrance. Toni sighed and hefted herself onto her motorbike, giving the gate guard a falsely chipper wave as she sped out.

The highway that led through the forest around the Southside was surprisingly empty, so Toni was able to go as fast as she wanted…. or at least she would have, if she hadn’t seen a red dot on the horizon right as she left the park. As she pulled up, she could see it was Cheryl walking with her red stilettos wrapped around one finger, and as she got closer, she could make out tear tracks on her face.

She hopped off her cycle and tucked her helmet under one arm. “Cheryl!” she called out. Cheryl didn’t respond. “Look, I know you hear me. My bike makes more noise than Sweet Pea when he kicks me off a cliff with his Final Smash.” Cheryl didn’t stop walking, but Toni thought she saw a small smile behind her mop of red hair. This was why she followed her. “Hey, can you tell me what I did wrong at least? I know you’re not-” Toni kicked a pebble and watched as it skittered across the freeway. “-well, you know. Into girls. And I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable, or assumed something-”

“It’s me,” she announced.

“What do you mean, it’s you?”

“I _mean-_ ” Cheryl finally stopped walking and turned around in a huff. “You didn’t do anything wrong! It’s _me_ that’s wrong.” She hurled her shoes in to the brush and fisted her hands in her hair, everything about her movements suddenly tight and jerky, like she was trying to keep from losing her cool. “I’m a disease, I’m awful, and I’m cruel and stubborn and anxious, and everyone knows it, and you- you’re Toni Topaz! You’re compassionate and forgiving and witty and incredible and literally everything good about this ugly, stinking, rotten world we live in, and maybe I don’t want you to lose that on my account! And maybe- maybe it would just be best if you stayed away from me.” Her face scrunched in an effort to hold back her tears.

Toni stood a few feet away from her, but the distance felt like miles. She opened her mouth to refute what she had said, but something told her that it wouldn’t do any good. Instead she said: “and what makes you think that way?”

Cheryl wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “You’ve seen how the kids at school treat me, how Jughead and his friends talk about me. Before everything happened, they all called me a bitch. A villain, a bully, a seductress, a... a _monster_.” She spat the word like it was poison.

“But that’s what other people say about you.” Toni cautiously took another step. “What do _you_ say about you?”

“I don’t say much of anything about myself.” Cheryl let out a bitter laugh that echoed off the pavement and disappeared into the trees. “I based my _whole_ life on how other people saw me, how the fear in their eyes when they looked at me made me feel. The way they looked at me made me feel so powerful. Like I was _worth_ something. Now that no one looks at me anymore… who the hell am I?” Cheryl bit her lip.  “Like someone told me what feels like forever ago, I would rather have people fear than like me. But now… I’d give anything for just one person to like me.”

“I don’t even know how to tell you how wrong you are. About literally everything.” Cheryl looked up in shock. “ _I_ like you. You’re my friend,” Toni said decisively, and clenching her fists, she yelled at the sky, “SHE’S MY FRIEND! Also, I don’t know why the hell I just did that,” she rambled. “And I know who you are. You’re Cheryl fucking Blossom, and I think you should own that.”

Cheryl suppressed a small smile. “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, Toni.”

Toni held out her arms. “Hug it out and then I can take you home?”

“Um, sorry. No, I can’t do that.” Cheryl shook her head. “It’s complicated.”

“Try me.” Toni shrugged. “I’ve dealt with tons of weird shit in my life. What is it? Ooh, are you secretly a shapeshifter? Would you immediately get a boner if I touched you?”

“You are obscene!” said Cheryl, letting out a giggle, but she immediately sombered up again.

“Come on. What is it?” Toni reached out to gently slug her in the shoulder, but pulled back at the last second. “Really, you can tell me.”

“My therapist… says there’s something wrong with me,” Cheryl rushed out. “A lot of stuff happened last year. Because of some of it, when someone touches me without my consent, I get flashbacks. She calls it PTSD.”

Toni nodded, silent for a moment. “Well, it’s getting late,” she said. “Hop on the bike. I’ll drive you home.”


	8. eight: madness is my old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toni cares and cheryl's scared.
> 
> (chapter title from: diamond days by cruel youth)

Cheryl dreaded school the next day. Toni had said nearly nothing on the ride home, presumably thinking. Toni had offered her a friendly wave as she left her on her front stoop, which clearly meant no hard feelings, but Cheryl could perfectly understand if Toni never talked to her again. However, the acceptance of the breaking of their new friendship didn’t stop her from feeling a twinge of deep-set sadness. But she pushed it down, reminding herself matter-of-factly that no one wanted damaged goods. She tried to keep her head high.

Imagine her surprise when Toni pulled her aside (figuratively, of course, careful not to touch her, Cheryl noted, feeling a small spark of gratitude) just before the bell rang.

“Hey, so I was thinking about what you told me last night,” Toni said in a low voice, barely hearable above the hustle and bustle of the hall. “First of all, sorry I was so quiet on the way back to your place. I hope you didn’t get the wrong idea. I was just thinking really hard. And second of all, Jesus _ Christ _ , Cheryl. I think you’re probably the bravest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” 

This was the exact opposite reaction she was planning on. A startled “huh?” was all she could muster.

Toni’s eyes sparkled up at her. “I’ve only heard a few bits of what happened to you, and even  _ those _ were horrible beyond belief. Literally anything the universe could throw at you, it did, and you just stuck your middle finger up and kept going. You’re a total badass. So I don’t blame you for being a little fucked up- frankly, I’d be more worried if you weren’t- and there’s no way in  _ hell _ I’m going to let it stop me from getting to know you, Cheryl Blossom.” Toni broke into an ear-to-ear grin.

“You’re… still my friend?” Definitely the opposite of what she’d expected, but Cheryl was beginning to learn that Toni was a pretty upside-down girl. She blinked in disbelief. “T-thank you.”

“Don’t thank me just yet.” Toni produced a fistful of papers from her backpack. “After you left last night, I did some research on PTSD. These cost me a nickel each at the library, so they better help you out at least a little bit-”

Cheryl stepped back as if she had been smacked. Being her friend was one thing, but Toni had actively spent time on her? Trying to help her? Did friends normally do that? Embarrassingly enough, a sob bubbled up in her throat.

Toni looked stricken. “Oh, no, what did I do? I’m sorry! Wait- uh-” she began to frantically sort through the papers, but Cheryl waved her hands in front of her.

“It’s fine for now! It’s just that you’re my new favorite person,” reassured Cheryl. “No one has ever done something like this for me.”

Toni shrugged nonchalantly, but she was glowing. “I try my best, Red.” She peered closer at her face. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Tears were still streaming down her cheeks.

Cheryl could feel a slight bit of panic for no particular reason rising in her chest. Sometimes tears, even normal ones, could trigger anxiety attacks, according to Dr. Randall, and it seemed that was what was happening Cheryl right then. “Oh, no no no, not now! I have to get to class,” she mumbled frantically under her breath.

Toni reached out to grab her arm but stopped, leaving her hand hovering about 6 inches away from her, close enough that Cheryl could feel her warmth. “Do you need anything?”

Cheryl nodded. “Bathroom.” Toni immediately turned and headed that direction with a no-nonsense attitude, prompting Cheryl to follow her through the rapidly-thinning hallway. When they reached the bathroom, all Cheryl could do was slide down the wall and try to control her breathing. She was just barely aware of Toni in her peripheral pacing back and forth, hands in her hair, and the dim drone of her frantic words that she couldn’t make out. Cheryl bit her lip so hard she tasted blood on her tongue.

After what felt like only a few more moments, she shakily opened her eyes.  _ Ground, Cheryl, dammit. _ She always went over her tricks, but when it came to actual attacks, she never seemed to remember them. Okay… five bathroom stalls, four balled-up paper towels (ew), three taps and three sink basins (one dripping), two annoying tears rolling itchily down her nose… and one tiny Serpent staring at her with a worried look in her eyes.

Cheryl took a few deep breaths and gave her a small smile. “I’m better now.”

“Good.” Toni closed her eyes and sighed huffily. “You motherfucker!” 

“What?”

“Don’t ever do that to me again!” She reached out a fist, then pulled it back. “Dammit, I can’t even beat you up for that!”

“Can you back up for a second?” asked Cheryl slowly. 

“Sorry. Sorry.” Toni put her head in her hands. “Really sorry. Just- I feel so damn helpless. You’re sitting there sobbing and screaming bloody murder-”  _ screaming? Was she? _ “-and I can’t even hold you. It just hurts me a little, that’s all.” Her eyes widened. “I feel like I’m making this all about me. It’s not about me. I just want to find... a way I can help, I guess.”

“I see what you mean.” Cheryl lowered her eyes. “I’m sorry. I can only be touched when I’m fully aware of the situation.”

Toni nodded, thinking, and an idea seemed to take hold in her eyes. “Wait a minute. What if-” Toni grabbed the now slightly water-stained papers from the bathroom sink and began to flip through them. “What if we came up with a… a strategy?” The bell rang, but Toni acted like she didn’t even hear it.

Cheryl began to hoist herself up, but Toni held out a hand to stop her and stooped to sit next to her. “Thanks. What kind of strategy did you have in mind?”

She pointed to something on one of the pages. Consent strategies, it read. “There are lots of people that have heavy touch triggers, like you, so their friends and significant others come up with a system to let them know they’d like to touch them. Do you think that might work?”

“I don’t know. No one’s wanted to touch me in a while.” Cheryl shrugged. “What kind of a signal were you thinking?”

Toni thought for a moment. “What about… two quick taps asking for consent, two taps for yes, one for no?”

Cheryl’s eyebrows furrowed. “Demonstrate.”

“Okay, so if I wanted to touch your shoulder, I’d go like this-” she reached over and lightly tapped her shoulder twice, letting the fingers hover after the second one. “-and if it was a yes, you’d tap my hand twice, and if it was a no, you’d only tap it once.”

“Like this?” Cheryl mentally steeled herself for a second-  _ this isn’t  _ him _ , this is Toni and she won’t hurt me _ \- and laid two quick touches on the back of Toni’s hand. Toni set her hand on Cheryl’s shoulder, and she grinned, feeling a thrill of excitement that it had worked. “It’s perfect!”

“Yeah?” Toni broke into a wide grin. Looking at her, this kind, beautiful girl that she had barely known for two days, who had somehow managed to turn her life around, Cheryl felt something foreign in her chest that she didn’t quite know how to respond to. Something that she hadn’t felt since-

“Yeah.” Cheryl forced a smile, pushing down the thoughts that were threatening to emerge. “Let’s get to class, shall we?”


	9. nine: don't believe the lies they feed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cheryl needs some help working through her feelings.
> 
> (chapter title from: beautiful by bazzi)

“It’s like I don’t know how to control myself around her,” Cheryl explained to Dr. Randall. “She makes me feel like I’m going to vomit or say the wrong words and mess everything up or maybe cry, but it’s also like I don’t know how to act when I’m  _ not _ around her, either. Is this part of the PTSD? Do you need to open a special branch of therapy for me? Because this is really scaring me, Doctor.”

To her surprise and chagrin, Dr. Randall began to laugh. Cheryl crossed her arms. “Is my mental illness a  _ joke _ to you?! I’ll have you know I could sue you for all-”

“Okay, you got me, Cheryl.” The therapist finger-gunned. “You got me! That was very funny, but let’s actually talk about this girl.”

Cheryl huffed. “You didn’t answer my question. Is this part of the PTSD or whatever?”

“Oh.” Dr. Randall raised her eyebrows. “You weren’t joking. Well.” She clasped her hands together. “Cheryl, it sounds to me like your only mental illness in  _ this _ capacity is a big old-fashioned crush.”

It took Cheryl a little bit to process that. “A… a crush? No, that’s impossible.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them, fighting the onslaught of memories- passing out, exhausted from overwork on top of a pile of grain bags and being slapped awake, sobbing herself to sleep every single night from the nightmares, the medications they tested on her that felt like fire and ice were running through her veins… no hope of escape _.  _ She could never go back there again. “I’m straight.”

“You were sent away to Sisters of Quiet Mercy for the exact opposite reason, actually,” amended Dr. Randall. “We talked about this, remember? Thorn is gone. It’s okay for you to like girls.” She leaned forward in her seat. “Trust your heart, Cheryl. It knows what you really want. And remember, there’s no shame in a crush.”

“I- I like her?” Cheryl flinched. “I like her. I like Toni.” It was painful to say it out loud, but once she said it, some of the anxiety disappeared. “But what if she doesn’t like me?”

“Didn’t you originally get a panic attack because she tried to hold your hand?” the therapist responded nonchalantly.

“Huh.” Cheryl considered this for a moment. “I suppose I did.”

Dr. Randall grinned. “I think you’ve found your house buddy.”


	10. ten: delicate and rare, gotta handle you with care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toni learns a little more about why cheryl is the way she is.
> 
> (chapter title from: need you like that by ezi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should finish this shouldn't i

The only good thing about AP Lang, Toni decided, was Cheryl. Now that they were friends, Toni had only taken a few days to learn the exact trajectory that she needed to launch a paper airplane directly onto Cheryl’s desk without being noticed. Cheryl hadn’t figured it out yet, so Toni got an extra kick out of her trying to helplessly mime her answer back to her. 

That particular day, the teacher was calling on people to answer questions about the previous night’s homework, and Toni was nervously lining up an airplane with the words “Date?” scrawled across the wings in thick black ink (because she was nothing if not smooth and subtle), when she had to surreptitiously hide it in her backpack because the teacher had veered into her line of sight. Toni readied herself for a stern talking-to, but Mrs. Labelle went around her and straight towards… Cheryl. Oh, God. This wouldn’t end well.

“Miss Blossom.” Her voice boomed through the dead quiet classroom, causing Cheryl to jump, startled. “Did you hear what I said?”

“No, ma’am,” Cheryl responded, staring at her desk like it was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

“You really need to learn to listen,” the teacher reprimanded. Cheryl flinched and began to scratch idly at her wrist under her desk. Toni knew what that mean: a panic attack was coming on. This was very, very bad, but all Toni could do was watch or else she’d get in trouble too. Her brain helplessly scrambled to come up with a solution. “I asked for a potential theme from the book we’re reading right now. Do you even know what book that is?”

“I don’t know, ma’am.” Cheryl was shaking. Toni knew that she hated being singled out in class and that it had caused her to panic before. Obviously, Mrs. Labelle didn’t know that- or she just didn’t care.

Toni raised her hand. “Mrs. Labelle, a possible theme from  _ The Scarlet Letter _ is-”

The teacher, not bothering to look at her, held up a finger. “Miss Topaz, admirable of you to try and bail your friend out, but this question is for her to answer.”

Toni quickly scribbled “individuality despite societal pressures” and the back of her homework and subtly held it up, trying to make it easy for Cheryl to read under Mrs. Labelle’s arm. “In-individuality despite so-societal pressures,” mumbled Cheryl, reading Toni’s paper. She quickly stowed it before the teacher could see. Mrs. Labelle turned, but Toni clasped her hands together and raised her eyebrows innocently.

The teacher sighed and turned back around. “You lucked out on that one, Miss Blossom, but I know you. You didn’t even read the book.” Toni inhaled sharply at the remark, but it was covered over by the snickers of the surrounding students. Toni knew what they must have been thinking:  _ ha ha, Cheryl Blossom is finally being taken down a peg _ , but all Toni could see was the humiliation clouding Cheryl’s eyes. “You used to be an A student but now you’ve become lazy and incompetent and rife with excuses. I’ve wasted too much time on you.” With that, she just… walked away. Just walked away without a care in the world. Cheryl burst into sobs and ran out the door. Toni immediately stood up and started after her, but the teacher blocked her path. “Where do you think you’re going, Miss Topaz? Let her run away.”

Toni had been keeping her cool up until then, but that was the second she snapped. “Who the hell do you think you are?” she yelled. The students  _ oooh _ ed. Toni kept going. She knew she was being a hypocrite, picking fights even though she told her Serpents to stand down, but messing with Cheryl was a bright red line that the teacher had just crossed. “How dare you disrespect her like this? So what if she couldn’t read the book over break? She’s had it difficult,” she hissed. “Cheryl has gone through more emotional trauma in the past year than you have or will in your entire life. You should be ashamed of yourself.” With that, she stomped out the door, followed by whispers of  _ unhinged _ and  _ dangerous _ and  _ what’s wrong with her? _ that stung her to her core.

Toni didn’t have any time to contemplate how much trouble she had just gotten herself into before she sped to a run. She needed to make it to the bathroom; that was where Cheryl always seemed to go during a panic attack.

When she got there, Cheryl wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Good thing that her lanky body wasn’t short enough to fold itself into a stall- Toni could see the tips of her shoes dangling just under the door.

She knocked softly. “Cheryl, I know you’re in there. May I come in?” Her only answer was a muffled sob. Toni dropped to the floor and slid under the stall. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“I can’t believe she would just humiliate me like that,” said Cheryl, unprompted. That was new. Her head was pressed into her knees, which were drawn up to her chest.

Toni sat on the ground in front of the toilet so her back was to Cheryl’s feet. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.”

“No, it’s fine-” she suddenly gasped. “But you ran out of class! You’re going to get in such trouble. You must go back.”

Toni turned. Cheryl had lifted her face out of her arms. Her face was glazed with tears. “There’s no way I’m leaving you right now.”

“You- you won’t?” asked Cheryl shakily.

“Not now, not ever.” Toni stood, reached her hands out and double tapped Cheryl’s shoulders. Cheryl tapped her shoulders once back and Toni drew her into a strong hug. Cheryl melted into her arms, buried her face into the crook of her neck, and started to cry again. She obviously hadn’t been hugged in a long time. After a bit, Toni disentangled herself and nudged Cheryl’s hip. “Scoot.” Cheryl moved over so they could both occupy the toilet seat. Cheryl laid her head on her shoulder, which Toni assumed meant she was safe to put an arm around her, so she did. Toni’s butt was hanging halfway off the seat, but she would live.

“You feeling any better?” asked Toni gently.

“Now that you’re with me, yes.” Cheryl mumbled.

Toni wasn’t sure if she should ask, but she needed to know. “So… I’ve been wondering for a while… why exactly do you have PTSD?”

Cheryl looked up at her. “Why do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” Toni almost shrugged, but she realized Cheryl was still on her shoulder. “I guess I just want to know you better. You don’t have to tell me, but I just thought I’d ask. If you think it’ll make you panic-”

“No.” Cheryl cut her off. “I should tell you. I believe I’m ready.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

“So, it all started when I was younger.” Cheryl began. “I always knew my parents liked my brother better, but once I was around 10, they really started to show it. He was groomed and loved upon and I was verbally abused and shunned. I still had it much better than most kids, as I understand, but some of what they said was really bad. Then when we were both 16, Jason was... murdered. By my father.” 

“Holy shit,” said Toni softly. “Jason Blossom was your brother?” She remembered FP talking about a job he had to do… disposing of his body. Toni felt unbearably sick.

“I was found in the river after he left me. I thought I was sending him to go live with his girlfriend, but I sent him to his death. I tried to… to commit suicide on the frozen river about a month later, but Archie pulled me from the freezing depths. Ever since, I have a panic attack whenever I touch water. Bath, pool, whatever. It took me weeks just to be able to shower.”

“Is that why you hate Serpents so much?” Toni questioned. “Because… we…” She couldn’t even say it out loud. It was too horrible to think about.

“Yes.” Cheryl offered her a shaky smile. “It’s okay, Toni. I know it wasn’t your fault.”

“My God.” was all Toni could say.

“Anyways, after that, my mother reigned. Normally, I call her Thorn, it helps with the flashbacks. Thorn was positively a dictator, and I’d rather not talk about everything she did to me.” Cheryl shuddered. “But before the Sisters, there was Nick St. Clair. In short, he tried to rape me, but Josie and Veronica found me drugged on the bed and fought him off. Thorn forced me to keep quiet about the incident. That’s where my touch trigger comes from.”

“Josie and Veronica seem like they’re your good friends. Why haven’t they been talking to you?”

“Veronica, I don’t know. But Josie’s absence makes a tad more sense.” Cheryl pursed her lips. “See, I had an inconveniently large...  _ crush _ on her. Josie probably knew that. Thorn used this to her own advantage and started to stalk her, as me. I drew a lot of pictures of us together, so she was able to use those as leverage and drive Josie away. After she was sure my closest friend was angry at me, she sent me to the Sis-Sisters-” she swallowed hard, beginning to quake. “Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Nobody came to get me for nearly a year. Veronica and everyone else thought I was in a posh boarding school in Switzerland.” 

“Conversion therapy,” Toni realized. Cheryl nodded. Her eyes were dull, but she wasn’t crying. Sometimes the hardest memories were the ones that were the most numb. Toni wrapped her arm around her tighter, trying to keep her grounded and remind her that the past was gone and she was here with her in the present. “God, I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything.” Cheryl closed her eyes and exhaled. “Thank you for listening to me.”

“Does saying it out loud to someone other than your therapist help at all?”   


“Yes,” Cheryl nodded. “Somehow it seems further away, with you here. I feel… so safe with you, Toni.”

Toni’s heart swelled. “You should, because I won’t let anything hurt you. Not anymore,” she promised solemnly.

Cheryl let out a deep sigh. “For the first time in ages, I feel clean.” She smiled. “I’m happy. I haven’t been happy since… since Jason died. Thank you for taking some of my burden.”

“I mean, shit, Cheryl. If I can help you out at all, I want to.” Toni reached over and brushed one of her tears away, hand lingering on her cheek.

After a moment where the two sat in silence, her leaning into Toni’s touch, Cheryl stretched and stood up. “Well, to start off, you can go back to class so you don’t get in too much trouble-” The bell rang. “-never mind, apparently I’m not the greatest judge of time, so that works out. Please come get my backpack with me. Not to seem any less bold, but that teacher is not  _ tres bien _ .”

“You’re not alone in that one.” Toni held out her hand and Cheryl helped her up, and, strangely, Cheryl didn’t let go. Not strangely, Toni didn’t want her to. They left the bathroom and walked back to their AP Lit classroom, dodging the flow of kids. A few students looked curiously at their entwined hands and muttered to each other, and Cheryl looked like she felt a little sick, but Toni leaned over to her and whispered, “Let them stare. You’re Cheryl Blossom.” Cheryl nodded and held her head high, a smile slowly growing on her face despite the obvious struggle going on behind her eyes.

They walked into AP Lit, which was empty except for Mrs. Labelle tidying the room. Toni and Cheryl’s backpacks were just where they had left them. “Ah, girls,” the teacher said, glancing up from her work. Toni braced herself for a fight, but she looked almost... ashamed?

“Miss Blossom, I’d like to apologize for what I said earlier.” Mrs. Labelle clasped her hands behind her back. “I didn’t have an understanding of what you went through, as Miss Topaz pointed out.”

Cheryl blinked, seeming almost as shocked as Toni. “I-I suppose I forgive you.”

“I’m glad. I won’t pester you about the reading… much.” She offered a smile and turned to Toni. “Miss Topaz, you were completely in the right defending your friend. But the way you spoke to me… it was less than respectful.”

Toni nodded. “I know. I’m sorry for yelling.”

“I know you are.” She sighed. “However, I still have to punish you. Detention tomorrow afternoon.”

Toni ducked her head. “I understand, Mrs. Labelle.” She picked up her backpack. “We have to get to our class-”

“Oh, of course.” Mrs. Labelle gestured to the door. Cheryl grabbed her backpack and the two girls exited the classroom.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter for me being a dummy ass, jokes about death, and writing content @mazieveposting
> 
>  
> 
> (title from: i'm good at being lonely can't you tell by fats'e)


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